“Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman”, sang Dolly Parton in 1968. Dolly also suggested “stand by your man” in the same breath. I wonder if Dolly had to face what non-offending partners of ‘The Knock’, would she have sang out with such gusto?
Typically, 97% of people arrested for online sexual crimes are men. This is not to negate the 3% of women who are also arrested for this crime. Indeed, this crime affects women, straight, gay, bi or transgender. The offences transcend the full spectrum of society and as these offences grow each year, we would expect to see more diversity in the statistics. However, national crime statistics are limited in their data collection methods and getting accurate statistics is difficult. We think it is important to include more information sharing on women offenders or those from the LGBTQ+ communities. Please contact us if you are interested in starting and/or sharing an anonymised blog that we can link to ‘The Knock’ website. For the purpose of this article we will refer to the offenders as men because at the moment they are the vast majority of offenders.
The question about whether to stand by your man (or woman) is one that is asked often by those seeking to understand these crimes better.
Typically, the non-offending partner is asked, why would you stand by him, support him? Unfortunately there is not one easy answer to this. Like most things in life, it isn’t a black and white issue. Many partners directly after the knock separate from their partners and concentrate on ‘fire-fighting’ with the fall out. After a number of months, and numerous hours of communicating with one another, people get back together again in an non-official capacity.
Obviously this very much depends on the nature of the crime and reasons behind the offending. But as risk assessments and educative work, counselling and therapy progresses, as does the level of understanding towards their partner’s offending. Relationships begin to rekindle and hope begins to grow that there may still be a future for these families getting back together.
Having children adds another level of complexity. In cases where the offender’s children have not been at risk, children generally really want their dad to return home. Children miss their father and appeals are often made to the mother to not divorce. Of course, this is just one component because without love and a belief that the offending partner can be rehabilitated and that trust can be re-established, then divorce is more likely.
Children Heard and Seen are one of the few charities who work specifically for the children who’ve a parent in prison for sexual offending. They recently completed some research that highlighted the implications of the psychological impact upon these children. ‘The Knock’ supports this research and calls for more universities and centres of excellence to undertake further studies as these children seem to be invisible in the public eye and are not recognised as secondary victims of a crime.
Not recognising children of ‘The Knock’ as secondary victims is archaic. The amount of money spent on safeguarding is colossal, whereby Social Services and teams of professionals at case conferences up and down the country deeply scrutinise innocent protective mothers and almost regard them as secondary perpetrators. One non-offending partner stated that she was horrified to be judged as “just as guilty” as her husband, and was discouraged from going inside her son’s school to collect him after he had fallen over. Over-bearing, control measures are put in place often lacking respect and dignity to the innocent non-offending partner who has to pick up the pieces, keep it ‘together’, hold down their careers, all whilst raising their children alone.
From a 360 degrees perspective, the non-offending partner is bombarded with threats, vigilante stings, oppression, shaming and blaming and experience a massive loss of finances. Extended family members typically ostracize the innocent partner and give them ultimatums, forcing the non-offended partner to choose between their larger support system or her husband. Extreme pressure and PTSD results, and rather than going to the GP for help, some women suffer in silence as they are terrified that the GP will report their PTSD symptoms to Social Services and they fear losing their children.
At ‘The Knock’ we have to reassure women that going to their GP is actually a very good and proactive step to show you are reaching out for help and managing the crisis. There is no judge in this land who would condemn a person for seeking help for extreme PTSD. Nonetheless, this shows the level of fear that these women are living in. One woman reported being too afraid to google “online sex offences” for 3 years, as she feared the police were tracking her computer. This hypervigilance is a result of being blind-sided by ‘The Knock’ and the repercussions from it.
The non-offending partners are left after ‘the knock’ with no guidance on what to do next. They are not signposted to any services, they are not contacted by the Victims Charter support group. They are often treated with distain by the police who carry out the raid. Assumptions and suggestions are immediately given to encourage the woman to leave her partner because he is a “monster”.
When women hear from the police, social services, relatives and friends that their husband is a “monster”, it is devastating to them. One woman was told her husband was worse then Charles Manson. The immediate reaction is to listen and feel disgusted, repulsed and shocked by all the disclosures. The mind cannot make sense that a husband of 25 years could be this person that people say he is. Many know their husbands as kind, hard working and loving. So trying to make these two descriptions join up, can be very difficult and disorientating task.
Of course, not all non-offending partners had generally loving marriages. Life is a spectrum, and some offenders may have been controlling or even violent. So when ‘The Knock’ happens, that becomes the final straw for divorce. However, a larger percentage of people did indeed have loving marriages, free from control and domestic violence and in these cases, there is a strong motivation to research the nature of this crime and support their partner through it.
The relationships that we see reignite, are those in which the offending partner takes full accountability and responsibility for their crimes. They typically will immediately stop the offending and go through a period of withdrawal. Suicide risk is very high at this time and often antidepressants are prescribed. Typically, the men have moved out of the family home and are now staying with their parents, another relative or paid for a second home. They spend time, effort and money understanding the nature and causes of their offending. They read books such as “The Porn Trap”, they download the STOPITNOW modules and work through them. The enrol on the INFORM PLUS or the ENGAGE PLUS course through the Lucy Faithfull Foundation. They join support groups such as Sex Addicts Anonymous or Safer Lives.
These are the men, mostly suicidal, that hit rock bottom and cannot believe what they’ve done and what they’ve lost. They dedicate their lives to their rehabilitation with a hope to reuniting with their family again one day. The non-offending partner too goes on their journey of discovery, researching and reaching out for support from organisations and other non-offending partners. They form friendships with one another, support one another, go through the traumatic dealings with authorities and society and slowly come to terms with their new lives.
Many non-offending partners decide to support their partner as they believe they can be rehabilitated. They may still divorce, but the pain of ‘The Knock’, the fall out from it, the extreme PTSD, the resentment, all becomes too much and so they simply remain friends with their ex and co-parent.
At the beginning, all of the non offending partners are shocked, disgusted, appalled and absolutely distraught and life felt like it was over. However, many come to realise with time, research, talking with their partner, going to therapy, undertaking complex risk assessments, that their relationship could actually work again. Hope returns and they know that their husband is not the “monster” that the media and the authorities first labelled him as. It takes time though to get to this place.
Maladaptive coping mechanisms such as alcoholism, drug addiction or viewing more and more extreme pornography, has led many of these online offenders to cross the line to view illicit child sex abuse material. It has often taken years to get to that place that once disgusted them. However, the material gradually had to become more shocking and vile to get that same dopamine hit. Regular sex with their wives may seem boring and some sexual problems in the marriage typically occur, such as less sex, erectile dysfunction and/or delayed ejaculation.
The recidivism rate for looking at indecent images of children is much lower than other crimes. Most of these offenders can be rehabilitated and will pose no more risk than Joe Bloggs off the street of offending again (if properly rehabilitated and full accountability taken by them). Stringent risk assessments and intense involvement from Social Services, eventually see many of these men returning to the family home, much to the relief and delight of their spouse and children. Yet, extended family members are not so happy and family rifts often continue for many years.
The decision about whether to stay or go is indeed complex. This article goes a little way to explain some of the issues affecting non-offending partners and their decision-making. It is not a full and complete representation of all non-offending partners and the intricacies involved. However, we hope it gives some food for thought to answer the question, “why on earth would she stay with him?”.