The first 24-72 hours are absolutely crucial in supporting the person through the trauma of ‘the knock’. Typically partners and their children after ‘the knock’ suffer from psychological trauma. They very much view the event as life-threatening.  The police suddenly arriving at the door, searching the home, removing everyone’s devices, arresting the husband, finding out for the first time about their partner’s offending and being single parent overnight, is devastating for families.  If this wasn’t enough, partners then are vilified by relatives, social services or the community.

These are the experiences that bring with it intense fear, horror and helplessness… for the innocent non-offending parent and their children or parents of adult children.

The stress and fear factors are heightened if the trauma happened in a ‘safe space’ like the home. So, the impact of the knock has extra traumatic impacts upon people because it is happening in their ‘safe-space’. Suddenly the families don’t feel safe anymore. It’s going to have a stronger PTSD impact.

The degree of helplessness is another big deal. The knock makes people feel extremely helpless. All sense of power and control are removed from family members.  Police control their movements within the house, social services decide whether the other parent (usually the mother), is protective or not, the police investigation drags on, no one knows what, nor when the sentence will be, the family learns about the sordid world of child sex abuse material, they may worry that something has happened to the children. It’s crazy-making because there is so little control over the situation.

Children are even more helpless and all of that powerlessness usually rests upon the remaining parent to reassure, hold and support the children during the most traumatic time of her life.

But who is supporting the mother during this time?

Are the police leaving information with the family at the time of arrest? signposting to useful organisations such as Lucy Faithfull, StopSO, Safer Living etc? Sadly, they usually don’t. 

What about social services? Do they provide this signposting and support to the non-offending partner and her children? Sadly, no, they usually scrutinise the innocent partner until a level of protectiveness is determined, (typically when the mother confirms she has separated from her spouse).

Meanwhile, schools and everyone else can find out – victimising the non-offending partner or other family members and the children even further. The community Chinese whispers, the dirty looks, the nasty comments/texts, social media (and mainstream media) shaming, and sadly even vigilante hits on houses where children live.

In desperate need for support, families shut-down after initially reaching out to just about anyone. Helplines or non-specialised counsellors can exacerbate the level of anxiety and stress. This is because non-specialised therapists hold the stereotypical view that all men who look at indecent images of children must all be paedophiles.  There is no recognition of the very complex pathways to offending and most of them are not pedophilic in nature.

To know that their partner is not the ‘P’ word is very affirming. To learn about other pathways like porn addiction and how it spiralled into a seedy world of child sex abuse material is vile and disgusting. Nonetheless, it helps to put some pieces together as to why their partners did it.  It just doesn’t make sense otherwise.

Finding the right help and information at the point of crisis is absolutely crucial for families and the children in the family.

The family members can be left feeling like they are going crazy. Their bodies seized with anxiety, intrusive thoughts, unable to eat or sleep properly. The first 24 hours are especially crucial, but anything up to 72 hours can greatly help reduce the intensity of PTSD experienced if proper support is given.

The availability of social support within the first 24 hours is the most critical. If someone gets social support in the first 24 hours, it helps them process what’s going on before they start compartmentalising it.

After 24 hours-48 hours, people have started to push it to the back  of their mind. Social support is still important, but after 72 hours, some people may settle and ‘box it off’.  It’s a self-protective measure and one that mothers are often further victimised for. Social care often accuse mothers of “minimising” and being too “too calm” about everything, when in fact, it’s their survival instincts taking over. Or the opposite is true, and some mothers have dangerous levels of the fight/flight response and act completely irrationally.

The critical window for social support is in the first 24 hours. Crisis-oriented stress only lasts for so long but after this, the brain tries to deal with it.

People have to put it in the back-burner.  They have children to take care of. Compartmentalisation is a natural adaptation to trauma.  However, persistent adaptations that are active for too long, are destructive for the body.

When supporting a loved-one through a trauma, there is a right way and a wrong way.

The right way, is to;

• Listen
• Don’t problem-solve
• Don’t offer platitudes
• Don’t judge

Offer to make a cuppa and simply listen. Offer to make dinner or help with child-care. Support the person and should they need to, encourage them to go see the GP.  Signposting to experts is also crucial at this stage.  You can find a great list of resources here.

Walking with someone through their trauma is one of the most valuable gifts you can offer someone, not only for them, but for their children too.