The first 24-72 hours are absolutely crucial in supporting the person through the trauma of ‘the knock’. Typically partners and their children after ‘the knock’ suffer from psychological trauma. They very much view the event as life-threatening. The police arriving at the door, searching the home, arresting the husband, finding out for the first time about their partner’s offending and being single parent overnight, is devastating for families. If this wasn’t enough, partners then are vilified by relatives, social services or the community, and vigilante hits occur all too often.
These are the experiences that bring with it intense fear, horror and helplessness… for the innocent non-offending parent and their children.
The stress and fear factors are heightened if the trauma happened in a ‘safe space’ like the home. So, the impact of the knock has extra traumatic impacts upon people because it is happening in their ‘safe-space’. Suddenly the non-offending parent and their children don’t feel safe anymore. It’s going to have a stronger PTSD impact.
The degree of helplessness is another big deal. The knock makes people feel extremely helpless. All sense of power and control are removed from the non-offending partner. Police control their movements within the house, social services decide whether the mother is protective or not, the police investigation drags, no one knows what nor when the sentence will be, the partner learns about the sordid world of child sex abuse material, she may worry that something has happened to the children. It’s crazy-making because there is so little control over the situation.
Children are even more helpless and all of that powerlessness usually rests upon the mother to reassure, hold and support the children during the most traumatic time of her life.
But who is supporting the mother during this time?
Are the police leaving information with the non-offending partner at the time of arrest? signposting to useful organisations such as Lucy Faithfull, StopSO, Safer Living etc? No, they usually don’t.
What about social services? Do they provide this signposting and support to the non-offending partner and her children? Sadly, no, they usually scrutinise the innocent partner until a level of protectiveness is determined, (typically when the mother confirms she has separated from her spouse).
Meanwhile, schools and everyone else can find out – victimising the non-offending partner and her children even further. The community Chinese whispers, the dirty looks, the nasty comments/texts, social media (and mainstream media) shaming, and sadly even vigilante hits on houses where children live.
In desperate need for support, women reach out to just about anyone. Helplines or non-specialised counsellors can exacerbate the level of anxiety and stress. This is because non-specialised therapists hold the stereotypical view that all men who look at indecent images of children must all be paedophiles. There is no recognition of sex, porn and masturbation addiction and how this fed into the pathway of offending.
To know that their partner is not the ‘P’ word is very affirming. To learn about porn addiction and how it spiralled into a seedy world of child sex abuse material is vile and disgusting. Nonetheless, it helps to put some pieces together as to why their partners did it. It just doesn’t make sense otherwise.
Finding the right help and information at the point of crisis is absolutely crucial for the non-offending parent and consequently their children.
Mothers can be left feeling like they are going crazy. Their bodies seized with anxiety, intrusive thoughts, unable to eat or sleep properly. This level of support falls upon that friend or relative that the non-offending partner relies upon. The first 24 hours are especially crucial, but anything up to 72 hours can greatly help reduce the intensity of PTSD experienced.
The availability of social support within the first 24 hours is the most critical. If someone gets social support in the first 24 hours, it helps them process what’s going on before they start compartmentalising it.
After 24 hours-48 hours, people have started to push it back. Social support is still important but after 72 hours, some people may settle and ‘box it off’. It’s a self-protective measure and one that mothers are further victimised for. Social care often accuse mothers of “minimising” and being too “too calm” about everything, when in fact, it’s their survival instincts taking over.
The critical windows for social support is in the first 24 hours to help people to process what’s going on. Crisis-oriented stress only lasts for so long but after this, the brain tries to deal with it.
People have to put it in the back-burner. They have children to take care of. Compartmentalisation is a natural adaptation to trauma. However, persistent adaptations that are active for too long, are destructive for the body.
When supporting a loved-one through a trauma, there is a right way and a wrong way.
The right way, is to;
- Listen
- Don’t problem-solve
- Don’t offer platitudes
- Don’t judge
Offer to make a cuppa and simply listen. Offer to make dinner or help with child-care. Support the person and should they need to, encourage them to go see the GP. Signposting to experts is also crucial at this stage. You can find a great list of resources here.
Walking with someone through their trauma is one of the most valuable gifts you can offer someone, not only for them, but for their children too.